Mar. 19th, 2008

I need to do school work. I don't want to.

This is more than just being lazy, more than lack of motivation. The thought of doing this work make me feel sick, literally. Like a deep dread, as if doing this is going to be torture. I'm not exaggerating this; it's really how I feel. Absolutely self-defensive. Like this is somehow going to HURT me.

I am SUCH a loser, seriously.

I'm exhausted, too. And I haven't drank since I sent Warren that e-mail. If I don't calm the fuck down SOON, I'm going to have one now and consider AA later. As much as I loathe 12-step programs, if my first reaction to stress is to reach for my rum, I better fucking do something about that.

I don't want to be Dad.

In other news, Sixx AM's Pray For Me is funny, in a really dark way:

"She drags me to church
But I'm scared to commit
And I'm losing my mind
'Cause she's got all my shit"

Apparently, also, the observation that depression can and will lie to you is helpful to people who are just figuring out that they have to deal with it. I'm glad. It's about the one observation about it that I know with absolute surety is true. My mind is telling me I'm a lazy fuck up.

It's hard to not listen to that shit sometimes. It's especially hard not to listen to it when you don't know that it's a load of lies. A lot of people who are just coming to grips with it don't realize that this crap ISN'T coming from them. I have never not suffered from depression. I've had it since I was a child, despite what my parents like to say. (I was also a good actor, where's my Oscar?!) I'd like to say I'm used to it and can just ignore the negative self-talk, but I've only just recently- within the last five years or so- figured out the bit about lies.

The good thing is that Warren gave me a clear-cut example of those kinds of lies that I was able to point out immediately. I don't know if he told me it was helpful to encourage ME (heh) or if it really was, but hopefully at the very least it put him on alert for that kind of thing.

I'm going to do my work nao. Or try to. Whichever.
It seems that the lower my sex drive is, the more perverted I get.

Dude, whatever.

*looks at schoolwork and sighs*

I'm going to be up fucking forever tomorrow. But paychecks are more important at the moment.

GOD, I wish I could afford to just quit. Supplementing income with GPT sites is awesome, but I just don't think I'm ever going to get enough referrals to actually support myself. On the two sites I'm very active on, I've been buying referrals once they pay themselves off, and on the other site, I've been using the bonus game to get referrals. I'll have broken a dollar off of 12 of them by the end of this month, woot.

So unless I can actually get my goddamn GPT blog off the ground, and start getting active referrals, I can't see that being a real source of income.

My job is in real jeopardy, though. I have, all cash accounted for, about $7,000 stashed away, I think, in various forms. If I'm fired for attendance, I WILL get unemployment, as I've had a doctor's note for every sick day since I came back from disability and vacation time doesn't NEED to be accounted for. That will be time I can use to actually give this internet marketing bullshit a shot, as well as do schoolwork.

... you see, it's not just not wanting to work outside the house on my part. Or laziness. It's not even school. Mom went out to get her taxes done today. She was out of the house for about 3 hours. When she came home, she was sick as a dog, and spent the rest of the day sleeping.

That's a GOOD day for her. If she goes out, she gets ILL. She put herself in this condition, I admit that. This is the result of her neglecting her health and refusing to try to control her weight for two decades. She brought it on herself.

But she's still my mother. And my 90-year-old grandfather is living with us, as well. He's not capable of doing much, either. I think it's just common fucking sense that you don't leave two highly disabled people alone for 8 hours a day. What if something happens to one of them? I guarantee you, it would have to wait until Dad or Cal and I came home. By then it might be too late. There NEEDS to be an able-bodied adult in this house with them.

I'm not in the best of health, either. I'm still learning what I can and cannot eat, and throwing up regularly (just without the standard feeling of severe illness that usually accompanies that). But I don't panic in emergencies, I can still move quickly if I need to, and I have enough clarity of mind to tell a 911 operator where we are and what the problem is.

I'm also the only one in the house that's been through extensive mental health treatment, and therefore the only one that can tolerate them both without wanting to tear my hair out. Calvin would be USELESS if he did it.

So there you have it. I know, I know: crai moar.

I better get to bed. I'm exhausted.

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November 2010

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