uNF.

May. 23rd, 2008 09:15 pm
Now that I've behaved like a complete ass, let's make it worse!

Cut for severe TMI. Click only if you want to read a short but EXPLICIT rant. You have been warned. )

Now that that's out of my system... >.>

For some reason, I've been thinking about the night "Joshua was born."

It was December. We were either in the process of being pummeled by an ice storm, or one had just passed. Either way, it was FUCKING cold out. And about, 3 in the morning. I went out in that mess, walked to the woods, and SCREAMED. I mean LOUD. I'm surprised no one got bitchy, as there are houses not far from there. Maybe they did, and the cops just got there after I was already done profaning the Lord's name and had gone home to TRY to sleep.

The next week or so was sheer hell. And then Scott found out. (Ex boyfriend Scott, not therapist Scott.) That made the next six months hell.

I've realized that I'm not anymore at peace with it than I was that night. More aware is probably the better phrase. For example, that TMI up there (you don't need to read it, just know it's sexual) is a good indication that I'm about to hit a phase where I want to do severe damage to my body for not being male. It used to take me completely by surprise, and the fact that I know it's coming makes it a little easier to cope with.

I don't feel so good. Schoolwork is being put off another day (yey). I just can't do it. I've exercised more self-control today than I've had to in a long, long time, and we all know that self-control isn't something I do well. The fact that I had THAT difficult of a time is indicative that I shouldn't be in a relationship at all, ever, and yet I have a neurotic need to be in one.

But to close this entry on a not-so-emoboi note, RDA started the day with a good belly laugh. Andrea finished her work yesterday right before five, so as soon as Joanna was settled, she went to ask for some more. And stood there, work in arms, talking about BS for TWENTY MINUTES. Someone dared Betty to wheel Andrea's chair up to her so she could get comfy, and Betty did it.

Everyone laughed for about five minutes after that. Just writing about it made me giggle just now. XD
... that was a very, very dangerous conversation, Joshua.

Remember how you and your therapist discussed not knowing your own boundaries until you've already crossed them?

Yeah. WAY over the line, dude.

DON'T let it get to the point where you're tempted to give in to it. Stop these situations as soon as you see it coming. You know how close you came to falling into not-so-old patterns. DO NOT let that happen again.

You've fought long and hard to keep it under control with the other two. Stop being a dick, Josh.

No love,
Me

My life is everything
That feeds my thirst that causes sin
My wants are all I care
No shame and guilt, there's nothing there
Look deep into my face
I sell deceit without a trace
Fear not what I can do
Unless you want it done to you
[livejournal.com profile] arivess posted this little link in her journal. Most of my journaling-journal entries have an overwhelmingly masculine feel to them. My story was read as being written by a woman, but not by much. The entry that I bitched about the little bitches on Gaia whining that they can't play a flash game came up as overwhelmingly female, but that's the only one with any substance that it sees as feminine.

I think that's pretty damn cool. Nice bit of validation there.

http://bookblog.net/gender/genie.php
I got my $30 from Treasure Trooper in my Paypal account on the fifteenth. So good of you to notify me of this, Paypal. Srsly.

I'M SPENDING IT ON GAIA. Honest to GOD, I've been driving myself BONKERS trying to make sure Calvin has EVERYTHING HE FUCKING WANTS and that's throwaway money. Fuck being responsible for a bit, I'm going to have fun. I know based on my prior financial entries, I seem like a very IRresponsible person with money. The problem is that I only bitch about it when I'm tired of being an adult.

For example, I'm paying down Dell, right? I've pumped some $600 into it since the beginning of the year; Cal expects, that since the balance in January was $1700, we should be down to $1100. No, it doesn't work that way; it's around $1250. How can that be, you ask? The 26.97% APR I'm billed every month.

Holy shit? Yeah. That's why Dell's getting paid off first, despite the fact that HSCB or whatever the fuck the acronym is is CONSTANTLY pissing me off.

I got myself into this mess. I had about $300 of debt when I met Cal. Take a guess as to what it is now. Go ahead, guess. That IS my fault. I'm not taking entire responsibility for it anymore; Calvin actively manipulates me to use the credit. He admits this and knows that if he tries it anymore, I'm likely to be sleeping in the living room. But all the credit is in MY name. That makes it my problem.

I just get SO DAMN TIRED of being careful to make sure at least minimum payments are made, and we're saving for things that need to get done (like Cal's dental work; Me? I need dental work? I suppose I don't since he's still spending money like it grows on trees...) and working out ways to pay the bills in such a manner that we have the most money at the end of pay periods and-

Fuck it all. I've been a goddamn adult since I was ten. I'm going to be a kid every once in a while and if Cal- or my parents- don't like it, they can STFU and GTFO. Mom and Dad get their rent and Cal gets his obnoxiously expensive concerts. As long as I can make the bills, leave me alone about it for chrissakes.

... there was something else I wanted to bitch about, but meh...
WE'RE ALL GETTING CUBICLES AT WORK.

Audit has theirs already; RDA's are supposedly coming in on Thursday.

IT WAS BLISS. I DIDN'T THINK THE AUDIT CLERKS KNEW HOW TO KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT.

This is truly going to be a GODSEND. I believe that I can learn NOT TO CARE about the shittalking if I don't have to hear it. I hate working near Betty because she is ALWAYS muttering and grumbling about something. It makes it intensely hard to focus when the person behind you is calling her e-mail names and slamming shit around.

It won't eliminate it altogether, but it WILL help. A LOT.
I've recently seen that "pretentious" is the insult of choice, and I've come to the conclusion that most of the people who use the word just want to use a big word and sound like they're intelligent and NOT just being butthurt about something. Because in the instances where "pretentious" was used, it made NO sense because the person was NOT acting arrogant or trying to claim unwarranted respect or importance.

I haven't said much about the issue, since I didn't have a GOOD example of someone acting pretentious. I do now. Behold:

Asking, in a tone that conveyed walking on eggshells and trying desperately hard to find out why someone has a vendetta against them =/ pretentious. In fact, in this case, the person in question is behaving in the exact opposite way; they're not demanding that the vendetta be dropped, nor are they assuming that the person with the grudge is, say, jealous. They're not assuming to know what they did wrong. They're a little confused, maybe a tad bewildered, and want a clear answer why the grudge is in existence so they can try to make right whatever they did wrong.

This does NOT match the definition of pretentious.

In a debate thread, a person makes a post that's largely irrelevant to the topic. After four or five replies after the off-topic poster's, they quote their own post and demand to know whether everyone's just too ignorant to know the answer to his inquiry, or if everyone would just feel too stupid to admit that he's right.

THAT is pretentious. Here is why: first, he feels that he's ENTITLED to a response. He obviously feels that his response, however off-topic, is not only the only worthwhile one. He also obviously feels that there is absolutely no possible way that he's wrong.

Do we all understand what "pretentious" means now?

(And yes. I'm aware of the irony.)

Hn...

May. 19th, 2008 09:25 pm
It seems that I'm getting more comfortable singing in the alto range and less in soprano. I indulged in a little fantasy that I was spontaneously changing physical gender, kind of like I had when I was a kid. Silly of me, as I'm really singing a falsetto when I'm in the soprano range.

Which is strange, since my speaking voice is HIGH.

Warren's the focal point of my therapy sessions disturbingly often lately, although we were able to finally figure out why I can neither forgive myself nor let it go: I, personally, had NO consequences to my actions. I don't feel like I've suffered enough for what I did. Scott tried to point out that dragging my shame around like a ball and chain causes quite a bit of suffering, and probably more than Warren EVER wanted.

I dunno. I think I deserve to HURT for this. My own guilt isn't enough. I want HIM to do serious damage. I think that's the only way I'm going to ever feel like I deserve to forgive myself, as things stand right now.

Warren hasn't changed much at all over the last couple of years. He wouldn't hurt me in the way I want him to even if he thought I deserved it, and I don't think he does. Which means I've got to figure out how to get rid of the shame on my own.

This sucks.
I start basic mathematics in college tomorrow. First assignment every block is to post a bio to get to know the class (HA).

Our instructor didn't post one.

Yeah, I'm going to like this woman. This is going to be a great block. >.>

*ahem*

May. 18th, 2008 08:15 pm
SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


*slaps an R rating on his journal*

XD

Okay yeah. Went to Matt's today. His puppy? Got BIG. Holy crap, and she's FRIENDLY. You'd think this would be GOOD for my mild canine phobia, but you'd think wrong. Not only was I tense the whole time I was there, and ended up giving her my hand to lick a few times (UGH!!!) I also now smell like both dog and cigarette smoke, I'm sneezing like it's going out of style, and I FUCKING ITCH ALL OVER.

God damn dogs...

We lost my MP3 player. I am a sad Joshie.

I'm going to bathe to get the dog hair off me. >

Mew...

May. 17th, 2008 11:26 pm
I... don't feel so good.

I'm terrified of going to work. I just sent an e-mail the Livenation about the difficulties we're having. I HATE conflict.

I'm trying to predict the future again. I need to stop doing that. It does me NO good and a whole lot of bad.

... I picked up the PSP version of FFII for $20 today. Woot woot.

Tch...

May. 17th, 2008 08:00 pm
I am physically disabled. I might have use of my limbs and senses (with the exception of sight, it's getting to be D: I really need to wear my glasses... god, I hate those things...) but that doesn't mean that I am not disabled. I CANNOT digest certain foods. One type of food that my body absolutely cannot digest is whole grains.

Everywhere you look, food manufacturers are changing their grain products to WHOLE grains. I can't buy cereal anymore. No kidding. I've found maybe two that aren't made with whole grains. This makes it extremely difficult for me to eat any grains.

It's hard for me to do something NECESSARY FOR LIFE. It's not nearly as bad as it can get- if my gastroparesis continues to get worse, I could end up having to get my nutrition intravenously. We're not nearly at that point yet. But it's still NOT FAIR that I can't get proper nutrition anymore.

And you will never see me demanding that this change. Because I am in the MINORITY. HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people should NOT have to change their dietary habits because a handful can't digest certain foods.

Likewise: if you are physically disabled, and can't do an event, it just sucks to be you. Suck it up and move on. Otherwise, I expect to see each and every one of these little assholes filing lawsuits against their school districts for not allowing physically disabled students on their football teams.

Meh...

May. 17th, 2008 06:01 pm
Where's my winning lottery ticket? I want to quit my job. I don't want to deal with the BS that I KNOW is going to come when Betty gets back.

An update on the police brutality thing: the three witnesses the DA got to say that those three men were the gunmen who pledged to testify at the hearing today? No-shows, no explanation. They now have bench warrants. The judge has also recused herself of the case. And the cops are blaming the media for the change of story.

Riiiiight.

I want to try hypnosis therapy. I don't know why. I think it would be productive. For one, I'd be able to actually remember shit that I can't tell by my conscious memory if it did or didn't happen. Like, I have a memory of it, but it doesn't make sense for some reason or another. I might also find out why I'm holding on so tightly to trauma from 15+ years ago. The reason we came up with in therapy is that it was a betrayal of trust; not only did my parents fail to protect and help me, they also are failing to acknowledge that there was anything to protect me from or help me with.

While I'm sure that's why I resent my parents so much, that can't be the whole of why I refuse to let this stuff die. If it was, then working through that resentment would have made the memories a LITTLE less profound, at least.

Lasagna for dinner. YUM.
Cal's watching a sitcom from the 90's, and this particular episode has the family dog being approved for a credit card. Someone mentions the dog being arrested and beaten for fraud (jokingly). It reminded me; I can't describe my physical location by my relation to Philadelphia anymore, because of that stupid racially-motivated beat-down the cops engaged in a few days ago.

Racism happens. Police brutality happens. But, guys? You're making yourselves look like fucking idiots. First order of business: the cops' original story was that there were these three guys who they beat the crap out of, and a fourth unknown gunman. They lost the gunman, but s/he was with these three men.

Well, now there were only those three men. Ladies and gentlemen, this proves, at BEST, that the Philadelphia police cannot count. But it gets worse: according to the Daily News, none of the shooting victims could positively identify the gunman, and they say they NEVER saw the car that the three suspects were pulled out of.

Furthermore, the cops say they never lost sight of those men. Not ONCE.

Where's the gun? Fuck if they know.

Yes, the whole article is like that. Probably the worst of it is that these guys have alibis. A number of people are willing to testify under oath that they were elsewhere when the shots were fired.

Ooops.

Guys, please. Stop trying to save face. If this incident was justified in ANY way, TEN COPS would not be on desk duty and potentially facing criminal charges. Seriously, guys. This is the kind of shit you do to cops who you KNOW did something wrong. Until then, they're on the street on normal duty. That's how it works. We're not stupid, and we know you're not either.

Admit that a couple of cops saw three black men in a nice car and decided they were doing something wrong because of that, and it just spun out of control. Yes, you'll have to deal with the consequences of the actions of those cops.

But you're going to have to do that ANYWAY, and in the meantime the rest of the world is getting more and more disgusted with you. Admit it, sanction/fire those cops, and move the fuck on.
Joyce and I aren't speaking. Fine by me. Until I get an apology, I don't give a crap. Paranoid bitch.

Rich called out AGAIN today. I really... REALLY don't understand why he wasn't terminated.

I have a jury summons. I need to call them to ask them what documentation they want to prove that it's been less than three years since I served on a jury. Civil duty my ass... I really won't mind much if I'm not excused, as the experience was surprisingly pleasant. I get the feeling that I'll need something like the payment stub; in which case? Yeah, not going to happen. Those are long gone. What the hell happened to THEIR records? Don't they keep track of this shit?

I'm going to fill out the qualifer, though, bring it in to work to prove that I have a jury summons in case I can't get out of it, and then call and ask what documentation is necessary. The thought just occurred to me that they might tell me that I don't even need to send it back... fuck that. Something gets lost in the system and I could face jailtime if I don't. They're gettin' this thing back whether I'm excused with that phone call or not.

Calvin and I need to get our own place. The drama level at home just skyrocketed because of Mom's control issues. I can't talk about it right now. I'm too upset.

And finally, anyone want a copy of Phantasy Star Collection for the GBA? I lost my old copy, and so went out and bought a new ($7.99, no complaints). This morning? I'm cleaning up my computer desk and what's staring me in the face? So anyone want it?

Yep.

May. 15th, 2008 07:57 pm
Of course a company will keep every "promise" they ever made, even those that were made when they were a little Mom and Pop organization... because exponential growth and changes in the economy don't have ANY impact on ability or desirability to keep such "promises".

In other news, HOLY FUCK. Goddamnit, Gaia, stop releasing MCs I want...
It's so good of you to visit to let me know that something might be wrong.

Fortunately, there is not. Everything is fine, at the moment; there is no need to tell me to be alert. I don't need the shaky hands, tight chest, or sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Please take them back for another time when they ARE needed.

Although the sick feeling in my stomach might not be your fault, as always. If it's not, sorry.

&hearts,
Josh

*snorts*

May. 14th, 2008 06:28 pm
There's something wrong with me and Calvin. Really. We were bickering as to who was hotter, Mirielle or Chloe.

fkfdjkja; Fucking Altina all the way, though. She's batshit insane AND hot.

There's... absolutely no male fanservice in this series. ALL of the major characters are women. Hm...

AAAAAANNNNND the Youth Group is putting on a mystery dinner play for the Church. The mystery? Who stole the pie.

D:

I already read the ending of it. Edgar and James stole the pie, and now I have the urge to write FF6 fanfic. With Edgar. And pie.

Lastly (that I can remember) the dipshit that got suspended for stalking at work? Called out sick today. And tomorrow, too. What pisses me off is that I'm afraid to use time that I have coming to me, while this asshole has been repeatedly suspended and uses more time than he's entitled to. Is he getting fired? No probably not.

Woot!

May. 13th, 2008 08:22 pm
Sometimes having a bit of courage pays off.

*waves to [livejournal.com profile] arydrall in his standard greeting to the flist* :D

I've calmed down a little bit now. I still feel like I'm going to throw up when I think about going into work tomorrow, but I'm less *upset*. Honestly... if I can say it enough times, I'll believe it, despite my bad habit of needing everyone to like me.

They're my coworkers. I do NOT need to be friends with any of them. I go to work, do my job, and collect my pay. I'm fucking awesome. If they're too stupid to see that, their loss.

(Count the number of statements in that paragraph that I don't actually believe. Go on, do it. XD)

I'm playing with the idea of doing a Glamor Shots again. I... again, for the same reason I've wanted to for forever. To get an idea of how I'd look as a guy. I just... don't have the cash right now. *sigh* Damn me and my impatience... If I hadn't told TurboTax to take their filing fee out of my return, I'd have my bribe money Economic Stimulus payment already. As it is, the check will be mailed no earlier than June 6th; possibly longer, due to the reason why it's being mailed and not direct deposited.

I have to pay Cal's speeding traffic ticket, too. God, we don't have the money for this... I don't even know how much it is, actually. How much does a failure to use a seatbelt usually run?

I'm sorry, but my stance on THAT is the same as every other victimless crime (ie prostitution, recreational drug use, etc): It's fucking STUPID. If I want to put my life in God's hands and not wear a seatbelt, I should be allowed to. Never mind the fact that he WAS wearing his seatbelt. I guess in this case that dumb law is a good thing, since he would have been instantly stripped of his license if he had been cited for the speed he was going.

*sigh* Speaking of recreational drugs, I sure as hell could use a valium right now...
I had a ROTTEN day today. One of my coworkers got in my face and told me, "I know you took my chair and I'm tired of you messing with my stuff."

WTF? First of all, someone was there when I got to work today. I did NOT take her fucking chair, that coworker has already told me that she absolutely didn't see me switch the chairs, and I would think that that would get someone's attention. Secondly, I haven't messed with this woman's stuff EVER. She must have me confused with Betty who does it ALL THE FUCKING TIME. When Betty does it? She LAUGHS.

Third, do NOT get in my face. EVER. I have a fairly short temper, when I'm being accused of something outright that I didn't do, and I consider stepping into my personal space to be assault. I don't give a fuck if the letter of the law says that physical contact needs to be made. Next time she does it, she will be forcibly removed from my personal space.

So when I got done talking to Bree about it, Joyce and Andrea had a fucking FIFTEEN MINUTE CONVERSATION about the fucking chair. Keith got involved at one point, too. And I swear to GOD, if I hear that they told Keith that I took Joyce's chair, Bree has about 45 seconds to deal with the issue before I go to personnel to file an official complaint.

This shit is GOING to stop. I don't care what I have to do. I will NOT deal with this shit ANY longer. This has gone on long enough and I refuse to tolerate being treated like this further.

Well.

May. 12th, 2008 10:26 pm
I just sent a message to an old friend. One whom I treated... poorly, to say the least. It was less in my actions (as far as I know) and more in my INactions. Like a lot of people from my past, I'm no longer in contact with him just because I... stopped contacting him. Poofed. Disappeared.

I'd like to say that I'm a different person than I was then- well, I am. I mean, back then I was an insecure, timid little girl who tried to establish an identity through sex and highly dramatic romantic entanglements. I'm now a transguy who has quite a bit of disdain for such situations (DESPITE THE FACT THAT I KEEP WANTING TO THROW MYSELF INTO ONE JFDKJSKLJS).

... I think the "transguy" thing would be the most shocking to anyone from my past, really, although no one I've been REALLY close to that I've told has had, "OMG NO WAI!" reactions. Matt's reaction was, "I should be surprised but I'm not." Lisa's was, "Congrats, you finally figured it out!"

Calvin told me that I has a lot of the "symptoms" of being a guy when I told him. His therapist remarked about me having a masculine aura, whatever the fuck that means.

Am I trying to self-validate again? Crap. Gotta stop that.

Anyway, yeah. I'm going to be anxious until I hear SOMETHING back from him. Hopefully I will.

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