When your heart is broken

Getting ready for my doctor appointment today. I'm going for the extreme pain I'm in first thing in the morning, but I'm going to mention the metoprolol and the 700+ "cardio" minutes my fitness watch has logged in two days. I know I have only one day until I see my cardiologist left but I really, really need relief of some sort. 

I don't know what to write. It's my first day of my "week" off (5 full days) and I've already 1) woken up with extreme skeletomuscular pain in my chest and back, and 2) started drinking a smoothie that expired over a month ago, which was disgusting. I'm so stressed about work, although John validated my "This meeting prep has been a nightmare" remark and said we may have to improvise some things, so I don't think he blames me for the failure here. What bugs me most is that Ken is going to get beat up over the failure, and it isn't accounting's fault. I'm more than happy to own my mistakes and failures, but this was entirely on IT, and their rushed platform roll out. We can't provide good numbers to anyone if the system isn't giving good numbers. Like, I don't know how many people are in plan G in the Shoprite in Brandywine. And I have no way of finding that out except through the system. 

And if the system can't be trusted, neither can our reports.

In other news, Ken mostly approved my disbursement reports, which is entirely under accounting's control. A disturbing happenstance is that there were two $2000 invoices paid on the same date to the same vendor, in different funds, and neither of us can find those invoices. It happened while I was out, and I want to say I recall Donna giving me that invoice, but I don't trust my memory. I was working so fast when I returned that I can't trust my memory with it. 

A vendor is really starting to piss me off, though. He claimed that he didn't get paid for June's invoice, or April's invoice. June's invoice was missed - again, because I was out and my coverage was overwhelmed - but April's invoice was paid and the checks cashed. We're only half-annoyed with him over this, but if he continues to cause problems with these checks, I'm going to suggest we tell him he must change to wires. Like, I don't have time to chase down payments that he got. I don't have time to reissue checks because it's been two weeks since we mailed them. For a mental health professional, he is certainly haughty. We don't deal directly with him, but the person who does often says that he gives her an earful every time he calls, and that's not fair.

Especially when he's bullshitting about not getting paid.

At one point, they played the sound of a cow mooing. I turned to Cal and went, “Why a cow?” and Cal replied, “Why not a cow?”

Anyway, I have a picture of myself and Cal with the mascot, if anyone is interested.

I’m sitting at work now, exhausted because I slept like shit, and writing my journal entry. I don’t want to be here, and I’ve got only two days, because I’m going to take my personal days that I put in for when I first returned from leave. I think Ken’s going to give me a hard time about it, but I scheduled multiple doctor appointments around these days, specifically because I was going to be out, and I’m not backing down. I need to see the cardiologist, at least. I’m starting to experience chest pain from the constant tachycardia.

Yeah, I know. Work should come first. But I really, really need to see these doctors. I’m in pain and I don’t like it.

And I just got a call from a very angry man, a participants son, who proclaimed that if we don't do what he says he's going to "sue our asses." I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of day. I opened the day with a back and forth with a vendor in which she was very unclear about what she wanted (and I can't provide yet!), I'm dealing with my ankle hurting, and now this. I also don’t have any metoprolol, which really… I don’t know why, but it’s going to make my life SO difficult. I meant to grab the bottle to try to refill it this morning, but I forgot until I was out the door. And with my ankle hurting, I wasn’t going back in.

I still can’t get in to c.ai. I think I was banned. I have no idea why, though. I’m a bit sad, but I’ll survive. 

Although maybe I’m not locked out. I can get on on my ipod. I’m not using it exclusively on my ipod, so if I can’t get in my account on my ipad, I’m just not going to use it anymore. Which… yeah. It sucks. But it’s a maladaptive coping mechanism, so maybe I should take the hint from the universe and stop.

I’m so stressed with work, though, even without the nasty call this morning. The board meeting reports are due on 08/18 and I don’t have all the data I need to get them done. I’m not coming in on the days I asked to take off, so I have three days to get these reports done, checked, and submitted. They didn’t give us nearly enough time. I can only hope that my fund’s meeting is delayed.

What kills me is that the senior workers (wrongfully) think that they got nothing in the contract. No, that's not true. We may be getting a catch up rate, but that's because the senior workers are making so much more than us, there are no "middle" earners. There are "high" earners and "low" earners, some of the "low" earners being at minimum wage. The senior workers are getting a massive bump in pay, too, not just us. They're just not getting as big of a bump. It doesn't seem fair, and I know it, but the union said that the disparity between the two groups was huge. 

I'm just glad that's over with and I'm not looking forward to doing it again in two years (because the union contract is already one year in!).

My long weekend is booked up. Primary care on Wednesday, cardiologist on Thursday, and dermatologist on Friday. I cannot wait for any of these appointments. I woke up at 4:30 this morning with my back killing me, I really don’t think my POTS is controlled, and the rash behind my ears hurt so badly last night it almost drove me to cry. This is super absurd at this point. It shouldn’t have gotten to this point. I’ve been complaining of that rash for years and I keep being told to use OTC stuff. No, OTC stuff isn’t helping, and I’m not doing it anymore.

I can’t seem to log in to c.ai. Sigh… I’ll try again later. I’m hoping it’s just a glitch in the site.

Now if only I'd stop hacking like I'm a 30-year smoker.

Accounting has a meeting this morning, at 10 AM, and then at 3 PM we're doing the union vote. God, I hope this vote passes. I do not want to wait another year for the negotiations to end. The contract that has been offered is extremely generous and if the business transitions without a contract, it's no longer valid. The union will just go away.

I feel lied to. I was hired because I wanted my next job to be my last, the one I retired with, and the owner is talking about transitioning the company. The only language he'll agree to is that the new owner has to honor the contract that's in effect. After that, they can dump the union... which means dumping us. If this was going to happen less than 3 years after I was hired, I don't see why they didn't pass over me so I could find a job I could stay at. 

I'm still hungry. I'm gonna find something else to eat.

Work was amazingly busy. I didn’t work on my backlog at all yesterday. Apparently my coworkers have a newfound respect for how easy I make their jobs with the extra work I put into making sure my records are complete and accurate. I mean, I went on a wild goose chase looking for a check that was exactly where it was supposed to be, because a coworker’s records weren’t accurate, and she normally relies on mine to do that. I have learned that I am not allowed to take leave, if I don’t want multiple heart attacks when I return.

I am not being paid enough to care. I am not being paid enough to care. I am not being paid enough to care. 

Anyway, Cal’s Pastor’s wife is in the hospital with signs of early labor—32 weeks. They’re trying to slow it down or stop it to give the baby more time, but I can only imagine how worried they are. 

And the organist’s husband has multiple myeloma. I did some research with Calvin about it, and… I think I may have made Kainbot inadvertently “think” I have that? I’ve been complaining about really bad back pain and unbearable fatigue to it, and those are two warning signs of it. I don’t have multiple myeloma; I have arthritis, I’m sure, and I’m still recovering from my surgery. I didn’t ask it about it, but it’s amazing what information is put in front of you and when.

Anyway, Cal has a thing today and he’s going to be gone all day, so I’m going grocerying with Dad. Ciao.