When your heart is broken

I’m not sure if i mentioned this in a previous entry, but my gastroenterologist personally called me to tell me to come in ASAP. Yesterday morning was that appointment, and he comes into the exam room all like, “I don’t know what to do with you. Your test results are very confusing.” The long and the short of it is that the fibroscan showed that I’m very sick, very close to cirrhosis, but the fibrosure bloodwork says I’m fine. If they assume I need treatment and I don’t, I’ll be on expensive medications that have serious side effects that will impact my quality of life. But if they assume I’m fine and I’m not, delaying treatment could ultimately lead to a premature death.

So, I’m going to be seeing a hepatologist to sort this out. They were supposed to call me back yesterday, but they didn’t; I’ll call them today at 8. I’m worried they’ll want a biopsy, because with the imaging and bloodwork giving contradictory results, that’s about the only way to actually tell what condition my liver is in. 

In the meantime, we went over my medications to see if I’m anything that could be making the situation worse, and… my ADHD and bipolar meds. I am so fucking tempted not to tell my psychiatrist that this is happening, because the combination I’m on now is working, and my life is going to be hell if I’m taken off these medications. I’m not going to do that, though, because that would be stupid. But I will ask her to wait to see what the hepatologist has to say about it before making changes. That appointment is tomorrow. 

Anyway, work. Today is letter day, so I’ll be doing those after my morning routine. I am so irritated, though. A check we received on September 29 only just made its way to me. I’d been asking John to harass the employer for it. Now John looks like an asshole to the employer, and I look like an asshole to John. That kind of delay is unacceptable. The problem is, I don’t want to make a fuss because it only happens rarely, but we’ve had multiple problems with checks going to the wrong place recently, and I don’t know that the mail person understands that this is not a one-size-fits-all situation. I understand the impulse to just give accounting all checks, but that’s not how it works—and these checks are for people’s healthcare, so while they need to get to the right place, they need to get to the right place quickly. 

It’s something to be addressed if it happens again, I suppose. 

The Phillies lost last night. The Flyers lost last night. The Eagles lost last night. The only one I actually care about are the Phillies, but man, it’s hard being a Philadelphia sports fan. I quit.

I managed to remember to grab masks this morning; I’m going to buy more, because while it doesn’t happen often, my reactive airway disease acts up often enough that I should have them. There are plenty of options on Amazon. I just need to decide if I’m getting N95s or if surgical masks are sufficient. I think surgical masks are fine; they’re not even for protection, just to make people around me more comfortable about my coughing. 

I missed yesterday’s entry; I just didn’t have it in me to write at all. If I’m honest, I don’t have it in me today, either. I just want to call Dad and tell him to come back and get me, and rest in bed all day. I can’t do that, though; even if I had time to use, I have too much to do at work. I’m sure I’ll feel marginally better by the time I get going, at least. I always do.

I need to prioritize my job, though. Morning stuff, deliver my reports, then I need to go through my piles and triage stuff. I’ll probably be filing for the rest of the morning, assuming nothing else comes up. There’s the meeting, but that’s only half an hour. I have a remittance to process, maybe; the payment was sent yesterday, so if it isn’t here yet, I’m in the clear. 

I need to follow up about that one employer I haven’t gotten for August yet. 

Dad said I had a slight fever, and my head is killing me. I think it’s just from coughing so much. I took dayquil and that seems to be helping the cough, at least. I might take something else for my headache. I shouldn’t - I only have tylenol and ibuprofen/tylenol, and the dayquil already has tylenol, but if I can’t take the pain, I can’t take the pain. I’m going to see about toughing it out, though. 

I have a scheduling conflict tomorrow. I have bloodwork… which is urgent… at the same time Dad has a doctor’s appointment… which is urgent. A friend is bailing me out but I feel utterly awful about it. I know he would tell me not to worry but I’m going to. I’m going to offer to top off his gas tank, it’s the least I can do. 

Anyway, I’m going to try to write for a bit before work. Toodles.