When your heart is broken

That evening he rambled off a list of things we need this weekend because we’re running out. Liiiiike…? What did I just tell you today? 

So he’s going to go out to get stuff, apparently. I was going to ask him to get veggie snacks for me too, but I have the little bowls of olives, even if I don’t like them. They’re not terrible, just not to my taste. I can eat those. But I used the last of the shampoo, so we kind of need that. I should do Dad’s checkbook to make sure he has enough money before I tell him to use a debit card, but I’m pretty confident in my bookkeeping with him. 

I need to take some ibuprofen. My wrists hurt. I’ll probably take the prescription bottle with me, you know, so that I have it if I end up in more pain.

Speaking of pain, Cal’s wrist is starting to feel better. We were both skeptical about it but if the brace is helping, then it’s helping. Not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

In terms of gaming, I am stuck in Eternal Blue. I can’t win against the Shadow Dragon Fist in the tournament; I might go level up somewhere, probably the White Dragon Cave. Maybe the Meribian Sewers. I need to make sure I have all the best armor, to be honest. I think that will help immensely. Might ask Ed for a strategy, too. I’ll pass it eventually, I know, it’s just a pain in the ass until then.

Anyway, I’ve wasted quite a bit of time faffing around on my ipod, so I better get to writing so I make my word count. Maybe. I’m not sure I’m going to bother with it.

Today I have a massive pile of scanning, and I have to do the discrepancy letters. Both are tasks I pretty much enjoy, except for the filing part of the letters, that can get fucked. But printing and going through it and stuffing the envelopes? Amazing that I enjoy that work, but I do. I also am now within $6 of the May Shoprite Benefit reconciliation, and Ken really might tell me to just stuff it in the bank fee, because I’ve been trying to figure it out for so long. We’ll see what he says today.

I didn’t do anything enjoyable last night, once again. I’m watching free speech being stripped away in real time, and it’s hard to do anything when the hoods are coming off. People are getting in trouble just for quoting the man himself now. I don’t understand. If you don’t like what he had to say, why the fuck are you stanning so hard for him? I don’t get it. 

But I need to stop doomscrolling. I need to. It’s bad for my mental health. Like, really bad. 

In other news, I showered twice in a row now! I think getting up with Cal and taking my shower immediately after him is going to work out. I feel gross still, and it’s been two hours, but it’s tolerable. 

We need shampoo this weekend. I might use the Paypal credit card to do the grocery shopping this week, if it comes in time. I know, I know, I didn’t want to do that, but we’re going to Lehigh Valley this weekend and we’re already down to $700 from our pay and my retro. That seems like a lot, but it really isn’t. We need pants; we need groceries; we need gas. There’s a lot that we need.

We’ll see what happens. 

I’m going to see if I can get Cal the Ghost comic book for Christmas. It’s hardcover, so he’ll appreciate that, I think. I also want to get some Lush, but we’ll do that shopping tonight so Cal can get stuff, too. Lord of Misrule and Snow Fairy are available. I’m going to have fun shopping. I know I just complained that we don’t have money, but… I deserve nice things. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

Useless, useless, useless.

Anyway, tomorrow is Ken’s birthday, and he’s going to be out of the office, so we’re throwing him a birthday party today. He’ll be 60 tomorrow, so it’s a big one. They’ve got decorations and everything. Donna covered my share because things are still so tight for us, which I am grateful for, but I feel really, really bad about. 

Speaking of money, I have learned that my new paypal card is indeed a Mastercard, which is. Bad. We’ll have to put that away and not max it. We need to ween off the credit cards. I thought it would be okay as a line of credit, because I can only use that online and only for places that take Paypal. But it’s a fucking credit card. 

Sigh.

Yesterday at work—Okay, okay, so, my clothes were in the dryer still, and I haven’t been wearing my khakis because the button was loose, and I was afraid it would pop. But I didn’t feel like going to the basement for clothes, so I threw on my khakis. It’s lasted that long, what are the chances that it would pop today?

Pretty fucking high, as it turned out. So I need a new pair of khakis now, and Cal needs new jeans. Thank goodness for the retro pay that I’m (supposed to be) getting this week. We need to make reservations to Hell’s Kitchen this week, too. 

In terms of hobbies, I once again did nothing last night. I didn’t quite get a thousand words written yesterday because my hotspot stopped working, as it does now. I thought that was fixed a few days ago, when I didn’t have a problem at lunch, but apparently not. To be fair, my phone was telling me I had no bars, so maybe that was it? Who knows. I do have two doctor appointments tonight, so I won’t be doing much tonight. 

But for now, I’m going to try to get my word count in.

So I forgot to throw my clothes into the dryer last night, so they were still damp this morning. It threw my whole morning off. I’m here at work, though, right on time, so it wasn’t that bad.

I have the hiccups. 

Last night was such a waste. I did absolutely nothing but sit on my ass and doomscroll. I had plans, man, but the impulse to doomscroll is strong in this political environment. Especially with people all in a tizzy about Kirk. I don’t care how bad of a person people think it makes me, I’m not going to mourn a white supremacist. The funny thing is, all people have to do right now is quote the man himself and you’ve got attempts to doxx you. And no, there is no “context” in which saying that it was a mistake to pass the Civil Rights Amendment and that trans people should be stoned to death is somehow “better.”

I wish people would stop pulling up the empathy quote, though. That one simply proves that the ass didn’t have as masterful a grasp of English as his sycophants want to think he did.

So, work. Yes. I’m not sure what I’m going to do today. My catch-up from being out on leave is finally done, and I have the bank recs to work on, but I really, truly do not want to do them. It’s going to be a massive pain in the ass to figure them out. I’ve got to, though. I’m going to start with Regional and just wipe the worksheet clean, start over from complete scratch. I don’t think it will help, but we will see. 

Man, I am hot. This sucks. I need to get on my own ass to exercise a little bit. Cal and I went through a bunch of boxes that were under the table and threw out a bunch of stuff, and found some other stuff. I found an R4 card that, sadly, doesn’t seem to work anymore. I wonder where my DSTwo card is, but I’ll find it eventually. In the meantime, I’m going to put more stuff on my hacked 3DS. I think there’s a lot more room on it, and I’ll need it for our trips in October and November. 

I applied for a Paypal credit card, lifting my credit freeze for 24 hours, and got enough to pay for the hotel rooms. Also bought some stuff I’ve been wanting for a while, none of which I need but none of which is a waste. I’m not buying any video games, that is. Although I really want to, now that I’m thinking about it. C’est la vie. 

Anyway, it’s time to write a little bit. Ciao.

I have a scratch on my nose that I obtained at some point last night. It was a rough night, and it’s been a rough morning. My head hurts, as I’ve already complained. I don’t feel well. I want to place a YamiBuy order but half of what I want isn’t in stock. Which is well enough, since I’m not sure we’re making all of the bills this month. We’ll have the money, just. Not in time. 

So I have a delivery coming. A drink maker I enjoy was offering free samples of their new line, so I jumped at it. The package was in Lawnside and out for delivery and they. Fucking. Sent it to Brooklyn. It’s back in Lawnside but because it’s the weekend, I’m not getting it until Monday now. I am irate. I was hoping to have them for Monday, but, eh. It is what it is. I’m getting my Kain keychain, at least. I can’t wait to show it off to my friends.

Cal is going to take me to get my little waters that I use for meds at night and first thing in the morning. Little 8 ounce bottles. Speaking of meds, I need to talk to my psychiatrist. The Latuda is working wonders for me, but I have to take it mid-evening and it’s knocking me clean out by 7:30 PM. That’s not a tenable situation. I need to be able to function until at least 8. I’m not sure what to do. Maybe I’ll wait and see if I acclimate to the sedating effects, since I just started it. Dr. Google says that it may ease in a few weeks. We’ll see. 

I’ve done grocery shopping and gotten lunch, and I’m feeling a bit better now. It’s almost 1 PM, so my morning is far gone and pretty much wasted. But that’s okay. As long as I start doing stuff now, it’s fine. And I just found out that Within Temptation released new music, too. It looks like their next major album might be another Hydra-type album, where many of the songs are duets. That’s fine with me. New music from Within Temptation is excellent no matter who it’s with. 

I’ve got Within Temptation playing on shuffle on Apple music, which I can do just as well with the songs on my ipad. But I’m hoping to play with it a bit more and figure out how to get it to play similar artists.

I think I’m going to do that right now. Ciao.

Because I'm supposed to be better than that. 

Anyway, picking this up at work, I am not exhausted for once, and my watch says that I got shit sleep. I wonder how this thing determines that, because it seems to be pure bullshit. I’m going to be pissed if I spent $300 on a fancy pedometer and nothing else, but you’d think I’d realize this sooner than, what, 3 years since I bought it? 

Speaking of buying things, I’m subscribed to Freebooksy, and I’ve got a ton of Kindle books I have yet to read. Considering that I’m reading much more during work (not as bad as it sounds) I downloaded the kindle app to my ipod again. On god, we’re gonna get some of those books read. I meant to put some manga on my ipod as well this morning, but I forgot. 

In terms of reading, though, I’m reading To Shape A Dragon’s Breath by Moniquill Blackgoose and A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter Miller Jr, on Pocketbook and Apple Books, respectively. Dragon’s Breath is new to me, and is quite good, even if I want to smack every Anglish character in it. Canticle I’ve read before, but long enough ago that I’ve forgotten all but the major beats of the story, and it’s… well… frightening, at the beginning. The description of the Flame Deluge and Simplification is utterly terrifying, if you understand what it is. I do not like that nuclear weapons are a real thing. 

Video gaming… I didn’t get any Breath of Fire played last night, I was too busy doomscrolling about Charlie Kirk. I did get a shower in, and then I played some Lunar, which I’m starting to do at lunchtime, because for some reason my phone’s hotspot stops working when everyone else comes in to work. I hope that gets fixed soon; I want to be able to write on my lunch breaks, but I’m not going to screech too loudly about it, as long as I get some writing in before work.

Speaking of that, it’s time to do that. Ta.