Hn...

May. 19th, 2008 09:25 pm
[personal profile] josharchive
It seems that I'm getting more comfortable singing in the alto range and less in soprano. I indulged in a little fantasy that I was spontaneously changing physical gender, kind of like I had when I was a kid. Silly of me, as I'm really singing a falsetto when I'm in the soprano range.

Which is strange, since my speaking voice is HIGH.

Warren's the focal point of my therapy sessions disturbingly often lately, although we were able to finally figure out why I can neither forgive myself nor let it go: I, personally, had NO consequences to my actions. I don't feel like I've suffered enough for what I did. Scott tried to point out that dragging my shame around like a ball and chain causes quite a bit of suffering, and probably more than Warren EVER wanted.

I dunno. I think I deserve to HURT for this. My own guilt isn't enough. I want HIM to do serious damage. I think that's the only way I'm going to ever feel like I deserve to forgive myself, as things stand right now.

Warren hasn't changed much at all over the last couple of years. He wouldn't hurt me in the way I want him to even if he thought I deserved it, and I don't think he does. Which means I've got to figure out how to get rid of the shame on my own.

This sucks.

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