May. 23rd, 2008

... that was a very, very dangerous conversation, Joshua.

Remember how you and your therapist discussed not knowing your own boundaries until you've already crossed them?

Yeah. WAY over the line, dude.

DON'T let it get to the point where you're tempted to give in to it. Stop these situations as soon as you see it coming. You know how close you came to falling into not-so-old patterns. DO NOT let that happen again.

You've fought long and hard to keep it under control with the other two. Stop being a dick, Josh.

No love,
Me

My life is everything
That feeds my thirst that causes sin
My wants are all I care
No shame and guilt, there's nothing there
Look deep into my face
I sell deceit without a trace
Fear not what I can do
Unless you want it done to you

uNF.

May. 23rd, 2008 09:15 pm
Now that I've behaved like a complete ass, let's make it worse!

Cut for severe TMI. Click only if you want to read a short but EXPLICIT rant. You have been warned. )

Now that that's out of my system... >.>

For some reason, I've been thinking about the night "Joshua was born."

It was December. We were either in the process of being pummeled by an ice storm, or one had just passed. Either way, it was FUCKING cold out. And about, 3 in the morning. I went out in that mess, walked to the woods, and SCREAMED. I mean LOUD. I'm surprised no one got bitchy, as there are houses not far from there. Maybe they did, and the cops just got there after I was already done profaning the Lord's name and had gone home to TRY to sleep.

The next week or so was sheer hell. And then Scott found out. (Ex boyfriend Scott, not therapist Scott.) That made the next six months hell.

I've realized that I'm not anymore at peace with it than I was that night. More aware is probably the better phrase. For example, that TMI up there (you don't need to read it, just know it's sexual) is a good indication that I'm about to hit a phase where I want to do severe damage to my body for not being male. It used to take me completely by surprise, and the fact that I know it's coming makes it a little easier to cope with.

I don't feel so good. Schoolwork is being put off another day (yey). I just can't do it. I've exercised more self-control today than I've had to in a long, long time, and we all know that self-control isn't something I do well. The fact that I had THAT difficult of a time is indicative that I shouldn't be in a relationship at all, ever, and yet I have a neurotic need to be in one.

But to close this entry on a not-so-emoboi note, RDA started the day with a good belly laugh. Andrea finished her work yesterday right before five, so as soon as Joanna was settled, she went to ask for some more. And stood there, work in arms, talking about BS for TWENTY MINUTES. Someone dared Betty to wheel Andrea's chair up to her so she could get comfy, and Betty did it.

Everyone laughed for about five minutes after that. Just writing about it made me giggle just now. XD

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